This Is A Test…Only A Test

I remember when I first graduated college and was working as the laboratory manager of the molecular diagnostics program at Virginia Tech. It was a standard government job. Forty hours. No more. No less. But, I was there most days for 12 hours or more. It was a great opportunity but the stress I placed on myself was killing me. I was making little money but the work was intriguing. Yet, I never felt satisfied. Although I loved trying to discover the cause of diseases, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to be an active part of the healing process.

My thoughts began to revolve around the old dream I once had of becoming a pharmacist. I had been on the other side of that counter numerous times and I wanted to make that person feel less alone and frightened. Internally, I was struggling with this issue as well as the doubts and fears which had begun to arise in me due to an emotionally & physically abusive relationship. I can still recall the day that I decided to take a risk and move to the coast of North Carolina to move in with my sister and her new family. I had always been independent but now I was admitting that my life wasn’t perfect. But, as soon as I left, I began to feel a peace surround me. Looking back, I am amazed how, by taking that step, God began to ease many of my fears. I found a job in a pharmacy where I met a wonderful woman whose husband had just left her and needed a roommate. We became best of friends. That move eventually led to one divine encounter after another. Work became a joy. I eventually began working for the behavioral hospital there as well as for the military and ended up applying for the doctorate program at UNC.

However, I still had not given everything over to Jesus. Years of hard work and an endless string of abusive relationships began to erode that stress-free facade and my body began to break down. I decided to take medical leave and was unable to return due to a host of events which were out of my control. Yet, throughout the horrific next few years, I can now look back and see that God had another plan for me.

Through complete and utter dependence on Him during those years, He began to build a faith in something larger. My anxiety and depression began to lessen. Although I still struggle with the words that come of out of my mouth as well as the ones in my head due to years of abuse, I am in awe of the change He has made in my heart. As a woman who can’t remember not feeling stressed, I am simply thankful for the peace that He is developing. Throughout the past two years, God has surrounded me with His Word and the stories/voices of others during those dark moments. I discovered a voice that was there prior to the abuse and I found that words can bring even greater peace and healing than medicine ever did.

I have been on both sides of the coin of stress-homeless, abused, ill, financially broken. Yet, I am still trusting that in those dark moments, He has a greater plan. I just moved recently and the stress has been more than I can bear at times. However, I know that when God places something on my heart, I have to respond even if it doesn’t make sense at the time. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning but I did and I found truth again in the Online Bible Study blog post for Melissa Taylor’s Online Bible Studies study of “Unglued” by Lysa Terkeurst. It was such a reminder that even though I feel lost, He still uses the words of others to speak His truth into our souls. Although I feel out of control, I don’t have to act out of control. Even if my car has been beat up since I moved here. Even if I don’t understand how I will ever be able to pay the medical expenses & loans. Even if I don’t know what job God has for me. I know that He has drawn me closer to His will than ever before. And, when God places a need on my heart, I have to trust that He will equip me or position me so that He will be glorified. That is my prayer. Of course, when I write, the positive seems so evident. Yet, there remains a gnawing sense of restlessness in my chest which is beginning to cause me to feel that burden of stress and fear. And, so, I must repeat the mantra of my church: “I believe God for greater.”

Under Construction

Welcome to After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

Here are some suggestions for your first post.

  1. You can find new ideas for what to blog about by reading the Daily Post.
  2. Add PressThis to your browser. It creates a new blog post for you about any interesting  page you read on the web.
  3. Make some changes to this page, and then hit preview on the right. You can always preview any post or edit it before you share it to the world.